Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Turning Forty

Turning forty ended up not being as bad as I had anticipated. It wasn’t near the emotional catastrophe envisioned or as devastating as the crows feet predicted. Even the metal in my mouth didn’t cause the slightest pause in overall joy yesterday, an orthodontic miracle most likely to not be repeated.

For the first time in my adult life, I turned another year older in a tropical destination. And not just any age, but one that in my eyes is quite monumental and one that, admittedly I have been dreading.

FORTY.

While the ocean views and tropical breezes certainly aided my cause, I realized yesterday as I sipped a fruity drink with decorative umbrella garnish, that four decades was just a number, that this age couldn’t define who I am or even categorize me in a certain group that favors comfortable walking shoes over sassy . In fact, stopping to consider the realities of all that entails four decades, I decided that there are worse things than turning forty…

Forty Things Worse Than Turning Forty

1. Grown men who wear parachute pants
2. A tube top of any kind.
3. A fanny pack of any kind.
4. Haircuts that are business in the front and party in the back.
5. Restricted access to underwire.
6. Those who wear dark socks with shorts
7. Potty training.
8. Being told “You‘re too late for the epidural.”.
9. Check writers with 40 items in the 15 item line
10. Parentheses mark between eyebrows.
11. The skinny jean.
12. Hormones of a teenage girl.
13. Athlete’s Foot
14. A McRib sandwich
15. College kids who call you ma’am.
16. Adult braces
17. The movie Xanadu
18. Anything having to do with Paris Hilton
19. Hair growing from unnatural places.
20. Nair
21. Potted meat
22. Irritable Bowel Syndrome
23. Eyebrows that cannot be tamed.
24. Carpool line
25. Using a Port-A-Potty in hot temperatures.
26. Karaoke involving selections by MC Hammer
27. Music Videos of Menudo
28. Blue lights in the rear view mirror
29. Post pregnancy incontinence
30. Halitosis
31. Keeping up with backpacks and permission slips
32. Keeping up with the Jones’
33. Any song by Wham
34. Pap smears
35. Jean Nate perfume
36. Commenting on the pregnant stomach of someone not pregnant
37. A spiral perm
38. One-ply toilet tissue
39. Piano Recitals involving 50 children
40. Turning FORTY-ONE.

18 comments:

JMom said...

Have to agree with your list...and happy bday. Glad it was fun!! :-)

jonreid said...

Bad Breath bacteria in the mouth alone amount to about 400 species and the number of total bacteria load count is in the millions. Our body’s use and need these bacteria for food digestion among much else. They don’t care about us in same way we don’t care about them when we kill off millions of them with a swipe of soap or a gargle of mouthwash. Everyone has bad breath its just that we don’t smell it because the odour they give off is under 200 parts per million. So from a dog’s point of view humans absolutely stink, yet they love us all the same. Beating bad breath is about changing the oral, upper sinus and upper oesophagus to a bacterial balance. Correctly done it well result in bad breath bacteria load of about 40 parts per million. This load is undetectable to humans. We get our bacteria mainly from our mothers during our first few months of life outside the womb. Colonizing any part of our oral area with new beneficial good bacteria is something science is yet to do. At best taking good bacteria 4 or 5 times a day will help but it won’t colonize the tongue so your left with the prospect of taking (buying) them for the rest of your life. The best….
Technical research extract from Oraltech Labs.

elizabeth said...

Jean Nate! Bahahaha! (Hate to admit, but I think I even had the body powder(with the big puff) AND the perfume at one time!..b/c OBVIOUSLY just a little wasn't enough!)
I would have to agree with the entire list! Love it! Hope you are having a fabulous time. Go ahead and book my reservations for me b/c I'm close behind you. You make turning forty seem glamourous and your beauty definitely tells me that forty is the new "30".

Joni said...

Thanks J!

Joni said...

E-

Thanks, friend. I'll stand a little taller in my flip flops today. : )

BTW - I also had the Jean Nate big puff and was quite heavy handed with it. Between that aroma, my spiral perm and unfortunate burns from NAIR, I was quite the sight.

Joni

Joni said...

Jon-

So I can attribute my bad breath to my mom? Awesome. I was thinking it was something I ate....

I am saddened to hear that halitosis is offensive to my dog. If that's not the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is.

Best regards in your ongoing fight against stinky breath.

Joni

Anonymous said...

I can think of 2 you left off:
meat sticks and the accompaning gel (like chandler ate) and the "extra boob" (i call it ) under your arm that sticks out. Maybe not YOUR arm, but mine.
hbd, m

Joni said...

M-

We don't desparage the meat stick (vienna sausage) as it is the only protein our eight year old currently receives.

I am aware of the extra "appendage" of which you speak and continue to pretend that it does not exist sort of the same way I pretend that my thighs don't touch when standing.

Miss you.

Joni

ekrisdinger said...

happy birthday joni!

i loathe check writers at the grocery store.

Joni said...

Thanks E!

What's worse is check writers who then subtract from the total in their register while still holding up the line.

Reconciling is totally unnecessary - especially when everybody knows if you have checks left, you have money left.

Joni

acassidy said...

Love it! But you forgot one... maternity boots. Definitley worse than turning forty...

Joni said...

A-

I stand corrected. How can I not include maternity boots?

Or telling the lead singer of a band that "I sing slightly better than you."

Joni

Mom of Eleven said...

I have one thing worse than turning 40, wearing adult braces while pregnant. It wasn't fun, of course I'm not to 40 yet. I am still a mere babe at almost 36! Enjoy your trip!
W

Joni said...

W-

Yep, braces while pregnant definitely should have been included in the list.

It's a good thing that you didn't also wear Jean Nate perfume.

Joni

dee said...

Happy Birthday to you!!

Joni said...

Thanks Dee!

acassidy said...

ooh... forgot that one! You should be set for your "Turning 50" list!

Georgia Jan said...

Joni - Alas missy - 40 looks good on you! I can't wait for your 50 list...I wish I could have spent a little more time with you at the Beth Moore (you know my BFF) conference last month.

I so enjoy your blog. I haven't been able to visit in a while because...I've welcomed two, yes TWO new grandchildren the past 2 weeks!

Please visit my blog for news of our double portion blessings this month. Both of our daughters-in-law gave birth exactly 2 weeks apart!

Your friend (truly),
Jan, a YOUNG 52-year-old-Gran Jan :)