Turning forty ended up not being as bad as I had anticipated. It wasn’t near the emotional catastrophe envisioned or as devastating as the crows feet predicted. Even the metal in my mouth didn’t cause the slightest pause in overall joy yesterday, an orthodontic miracle most likely to not be repeated.
For the first time in my adult life, I turned another year older in a tropical destination. And not just any age, but one that in my eyes is quite monumental and one that, admittedly I have been dreading.
While the ocean views and tropical breezes certainly aided my cause, I realized yesterday as I sipped a fruity drink with decorative umbrella garnish, that four decades was just a number, that this age couldn’t define who I am or even categorize me in a certain group that favors comfortable walking shoes over sassy . In fact, stopping to consider the realities of all that entails four decades, I decided that there are worse things than turning forty…
Forty Things Worse Than Turning Forty
1. Grown men who wear parachute pants
2. A tube top of any kind.
3. A fanny pack of any kind.
4. Haircuts that are business in the front and party in the back.
5. Restricted access to underwire.
6. Those who wear dark socks with shorts
7. Potty training.
8. Being told “You‘re too late for the epidural.”.
9. Check writers with 40 items in the 15 item line
10. Parentheses mark between eyebrows.
11. The skinny jean.
12. Hormones of a teenage girl.
13. Athlete’s Foot
14. A McRib sandwich
15. College kids who call you ma’am.
16. Adult braces
17. The movie Xanadu
18. Anything having to do with Paris Hilton
19. Hair growing from unnatural places.
21. Potted meat
22. Irritable Bowel Syndrome
23. Eyebrows that cannot be tamed.
24. Carpool line
25. Using a Port-A-Potty in hot temperatures.
26. Karaoke involving selections by MC Hammer
27. Music Videos of Menudo
28. Blue lights in the rear view mirror
29. Post pregnancy incontinence
31. Keeping up with backpacks and permission slips
32. Keeping up with the Jones’
33. Any song by Wham
34. Pap smears
35. Jean Nate perfume
36. Commenting on the pregnant stomach of someone not pregnant
37. A spiral perm
38. One-ply toilet tissue
39. Piano Recitals involving 50 children
40. Turning FORTY-ONE.