1. You have ever purposefully caught vomit in your hands, like
a star center fielder diving to make an out.
2. You have pulled in front of school carpool line to a teacher
waiting to open the passenger door, only to have an assortment of school
papers, random household items, and other unidentified trash fall directly at
the educator’s feet.
3. You have taken spittle from your mouth to clean smudges off
of your child and then turned to your spouse to repeat the process.
4. You have actually growled at another who has caused hurt or
harm to your offspring, a spontaneous sound you didn’t know could come from
your person, both embarrassing and cool at the same time.
5. Your arm has supernaturally extended while driving , like a
freaky version of Plastic Man, to pick up dropped sippy cups, locate a fallen
pacifier or hold the chubby hand of the child most unhappy.
6. You have not used the bathroom in peace in the last ten
years because someone is always knocking on the door to ask why the Oreo package
is empty, to tell you about a funny episode of iCarly, or to report on the
errant ways of a feuding sibling.
7. You have successfully addressed all manner of your child’s bodily
fluids, like the most steel stomached gastroenterologist, even though you used to
feel faint in high school health class.
8. You have joyfully and proudly worn necklaces made from
macaroni, a photograph button that proclaims you love #7, and your heart on your sleeve at every
performance, recital and award ceremony.
9. You have stayed up until midnight baking classroom cupcakes
that you forgot were due the next day, glued together a costume that will fall
apart during the play, or washed stains out of a sport uniform that will return
to its previous state in just a few short hours.
10. You have become so accustomed at cutting food into bite
sized pieces for your children that you embarrass your spouse at a dinner party
when you offer to do the same for a guest sitting next to you. Explaining that
you were sure choking was about to occur falls on deaf, incredulous ears.
11. You have seriously threatened those in your household about
putting clean clothes in the hamper, leaving dirty clothes on the floor and
neglecting to hang wet towels on elusive hooks found on the bathroom door. You then make your head spin terrifyingly around on your body, like it did on the unfortunate girl in the Exorcist, just
for dramatic emphasis and effect.
12. You have begged God to make an exception with your children,
allowing them to grow at the slowest pace possible, to remain little for just a
while longer, because you can’t imagine a day absent of catching their vomit, cutting
up their food, or ever using the bathroom alone.
"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his mother every time around - and why his mother will always wave back."
- William D. Tammelus
1 comment:
Exactly!;-)
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