1. You have ever purposefully caught vomit in your hands, like a star center fielder diving to make an out.
2. You have pulled in front of school carpool line to a teacher waiting to open the passenger door, only to have an assortment of school papers, random household items, and other unidentified trash fall directly at the educator’s feet.
3. You have taken spittle from your mouth to clean smudges off of your child and then turned to your spouse to repeat the process.
4. You have actually growled at another who has caused hurt or harm to your offspring, a spontaneous sound you didn’t know could come from your person, both embarrassing and cool at the same time.
5. Your arm has supernaturally extended while driving , like a freaky version of Plastic Man, to pick up dropped sippy cups, locate a fallen pacifier or hold the chubby hand of the child most unhappy.
6. You have not used the bathroom in peace in the last ten years because someone is always knocking on the door to ask why the Oreo package is empty, to tell you about a funny episode of iCarly, or to report on the errant ways of a feuding sibling.
7. You have successfully addressed all manner of your child’s bodily fluids, like the most steel stomached gastroenterologist, even though you used to feel faint in high school health class.
8. You have joyfully and proudly worn necklaces made from macaroni, a photograph button that proclaims you love #7, and your heart on your sleeve at every performance, recital and award ceremony.
9. You have stayed up until midnight baking classroom cupcakes that you forgot were due the next day, glued together a costume that will fall apart during the play, or washed stains out of a sport uniform that will return to its previous state in just a few short hours.
10. You have become so accustomed at cutting food into bite sized pieces for your children that you embarrass your spouse at a dinner party when you offer to do the same for a guest sitting next to you. Explaining that you were sure choking was about to occur falls on deaf, incredulous ears.
11. You have seriously threatened those in your household about putting clean clothes in the hamper, leaving dirty clothes on the floor and neglecting to hang wet towels on elusive hooks found on the bathroom door. You then make your head spin terrifyingly around on your body, like it did on the unfortunate girl in the Exorcist, just for dramatic emphasis and effect.
12. You have begged God to make an exception with your children, allowing them to grow at the slowest pace possible, to remain little for just a while longer, because you can’t imagine a day absent of catching their vomit, cutting up their food, or ever using the bathroom alone.
"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his mother every time around - and why his mother will always wave back."
- William D. Tammelus