Thursday, May 10, 2012

An Apology In Advance

It feels as though I have come out of a fog, emerged from swimming under water, opened eyes to a world of color rather than grey. It is true that a mom is only as happy as her saddest child, and I would add to that only as jovial as her unhealthiest.

 It would also appear that time did not stop in the midst of our struggle, and somehow I missed out on the month known as April.  Yesterday, in wide eyed comprehension, I realized the neglect that had occurred over the last 45 days, and for a moment, became panicked at the overwhelming task of attending to all that had been overlooked.

A desk piled with bills, a calendar full of missed events, a laundry room that is downright shameful. Unanswered emails, thank you notes that have not yet been written, and end of school year obligations that make me dizzy.

After a moment of breathing in and out of a paper bag, I came to this regretful, yet honest conclusion. I will not be able to get to it all in a timely manner. In fact, some of it will take me quite a while.  Because of this, I feel like it is in the best interest of all to take a moment and apologize to you in advance for the following:

1. Personal grooming has fallen to the wayside over the last seven weeks.  My eyebrows are so out of control that I have to wipe them out of my eyes just to see. If you happen to see me, and an eyebrow hair is curling rudely towards you, I apologize in advance.

2. The grooming of my children has also been sub par. Know that haircuts have been scheduled and I now have a keener eye in which to address mismatched clothing. I will also try very hard to resume my role of ensuring that toothbrushes touch all teeth  instead of just skimming over the top two.  If pediatric halitosis offends you in the near future, I apologize in advance.

3. Those of you who have kindly reached out to me either through facebook messages, emails, cards or texts, I want to respond to each of you personally. As soon as I resolve the colorblind hobo look my children have tried to rock in my glassy eyed absence, correspondence is the next item on my to do list. Truly, I apologize in advance for the belatedness.

4. I am so encouraged by all of you who took the time to share your own difficulties during times of mine.  The transparency offered provided great comfort at just the exact time it was needed. I am particularly thankful for my good friend, Gwen, who extended great advice at the very beginning,  counseling  me to focus on what I could a little bit at a time – a minute,  an hour and then the day. She also reminded me to breathe when innate impulse was to hold my breath, and that oxygen would indeed be vital to survival. If you see me practicing breathing exercises in carpool or in line at Kroger, as though in labor and about to beg for an epidural, I apologize in advance.

5. Of all my responsibilities, those that fall under the financial category have probably suffered the most. To patients that end up sitting in a darkened exam room because the doc’s wife forgot to pay the electric bill, I apologize in advance.

6. I try to bring joy to others but by sharing our situation I may have stolen a little bit of yours. If  my feeble attempts at humor fail to bring  even a little bit of it back, allow me to apologize in advance.

7. For those of you who shared my blog updates with all your family and friends, know that I am overcome with your generosity towards our son. While I will always be grateful for that selfless act that solicited thousands of prayers, I lament on your behalf that they  now know about my wayward eyebrows and tardiness in paying utilities. For that, I apologize in advance.

At the end of a struggle, I believe that you can either allow the experience to make you bitter or better. You will either love others differently, or disregard them even more.The love and concern you have shown to us has only served to inspire our own good, our own growth, allowing the better to be developed from the difficult.

And for that,  I will not apologize in advance.

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