Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A letter to Santa....

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you are still taking requests but I have a few that I hope you will take the time to consider. I’m fairly certain that my name won’t be found on the naughty list, unless of course, you are counting receipt of the unfortunate traffic ticket or the tussle with the man over the baseball, or the passive aggressive behavior demonstrated with the heat-packing patient.

If you were able to overlook those minor transgressions, then the following items could really supplement my holiday joy. So, if you can, could you help a mother out?

1. I would like the magic potion that would allow my children to sleep past 7:00 am. I'm all for the early bird getting the worm, just somewhere else besides my house.

2. I love my husband - really, I do - but could I also have a wife? One who washes clothes, packs lunches, remembers show and tell and all tennis lessons, pays the bills and irons clothes properly (instead of willing the wrinkles out with the dryer). A gal who returns phone calls and emails in a timely manner, makes dinner representing all the food groups, and cares about dirty baseboards and cobwebs.

3. I would like for my children to grow verrrry slowwwwly. While I still want to sleep a little later, I want my little ones to stay little. It's all going by too fast and there's too much I want to remember. Can't you fly around the world super-duper fast and slow the world down? (It worked in the Superman movie.)

4. I would like to use the bathroom alone. Enough said.

5. I would like a razor and a tweezer that produce yearlong results. Unruly eyebrows that point rudely at others is not cool.

6. I would like a turkey I can cook for Christmas dinner minus the unnecessary guts found inside the cavity of every bird. Who decided that gore should be included with the purchase price?

7. I would like a SUV makeover so that when the door is opened in the carpool line NOTHING falls out of the door. Not one pencil or one old field trip permission slip, not one shoe or one croc, not one empty juice box or one Happy Meal french fry. Nothing. Denada. I want to win the clean car award rather than be humiliated in front of thousands.

8. I would like smooth, luxurious Clairol hair. The kind that withstands the southern humidity instead of the current mane that turns into Bon Jovi concert hair at the slightest moisture in the air. Unless, of course, I am wearing acid wash jeans, jelly shoes and blue eye shadow. Or a crazy prom dress.

9. I would like to wake up Chistmas morning with everything magically "lifted", certain areas properly "tucked", and all cellulite abstracted. Things pointing North rather than South would be especially appreciated.

10. I would like my own stash of orthodontic floss. My ten year old son keeps stealing mine.

11. If you happen to have extra coal and switches handy, could you drop some off in the stocking of Badge 97? His manners weren’t the nicest this year.

12. And finally, I would like for Martha Stewart's show, magazine and products to be available only in the Netherlands. Reminders of my ineptness in napkin folding, candle creating, fresh juice squeezin', gravy makin' and pillow stitching is cruel and unnecessary,

Just like the turkey innards.

Joyfully yours,


Anonymous said...


This letter is just wonderful! You have captured the wishes of every mother I know. Your blog is often comforting and inspiring.

Thanks so much for sharing your most intimate thoughts with us.

Merry Christmas!

Joni said...

Thanks Shawn! May Santa grant all of the wishes on my list to you too.

(Minus the orthodontic floss.)

Merry Christmas!


ekrisdinger said...

you dont need magic tweezers...don't forget that you are EXTRA FANCY!

merry christmas,

Joni said...


Thanks for the reminder. I'll walk a little taller now. : )


JMom said...

Amen and ditto except for the floss...yet, anyway! Merry Christmas!

twinkle said...

Loved this post. Funny in a lot of ways...but so meaningful. Slowing down the growth of children is a necessity. Talk about "in the blink of an eye!" They grow up so fast. Enjoy every minute (or second) you have with them!
Thank you for sharing your wanted list. It made me smile.