A Revised Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you are still taking requests but I have a few that I hope you will take the time to consider. I’m fairly certain that my name won’t be found on the naughty list, unless of course, you take into account the receipt of the unfortunate traffic ticket ,the scuffle with the law at Target, the disrobing in front of a stranger, or the illegal gambling habits of minors in our household.

If you were able to overlook those trivial transgressions, then the following items could really supplement my holiday joy. So, if you can, could you help a mother out?

1. I would like the magic potion – preferably bubble-gum flavored and in liquid form- that would allow my children to sleep past 7:00 am. I'm all for the early bird getting the worm, just somewhere else besides my house.

2. I love my husband - really, I do - but could I also have a wife? One who washes clothes, packs lunches, remembers show and tell and team practices, pays the bills and irons clothes properly (instead of willing the wrinkles out with the dryer). A gal who returns phone calls and emails in a timely manner, makes dinner representing all the food groups, and cares about dirty baseboards and cobwebs.

3. I would like for my children to grow verrrry slowwwwly. While I still want to sleep a little later, I want my little ones to stay little. It's all going by too fast and there's too much I want to remember. Can't you fly around the world super-duper fast and slow the world down? (It worked in the Superman movie.)

4. I would like to use the bathroom alone. ***

5. I would like a razor and a tweezer that produce yearlong results. Unruly eyebrows that point rudely at others is not cool. While you’re at it, please make the hair above my lip non-existent. The hereditary nature of these misplaced hair follicles are beginning to frighten my first grade daughter. ***

6. I would like a turkey I can cook for Christmas dinner minus the unnecessary guts found inside the cavity of every bird. Who decided that gore should be included with the purchase price?

7. I would like a SUV makeover so that when the door opens in the carpool line NOTHING falls out of the door. Not one pencil or one old field trip permission slip, not one shoe or one past due library book, not one empty juice box or one Happy Meal french fry. Nothing. Denada. I want to win the clean car award rather than be humiliated in front of thousands.

8. I would like smooth, luxurious Clairol hair. The kind that withstands the southern humidity instead of the current mane that turns into Bon Jovi concert hair at the slightest moisture in the air. Unless, of course, I am wearing acid wash jeans, jelly shoes and blue eye shadow. Or a sparkly prom dress.

9. I would like to wake up Chistmas morning with everything magically "lifted", certain areas properly "tucked", and all cellulite abstracted. Things pointing North rather than South would be especially appreciated

10. If you happen to have extra coal and switches handy, could you drop some off in the stocking of Badge 97? His manners weren't the nicest. Also, could you place bullet blanks under the tree for our heat-packing patient?

11. And finally, I would like for Martha Stewart's show, magazine and products to be available only in the Netherlands. Reminders of my ineptness in napkin folding, popcorn stringing, gravy making and pillow stitching is cruel and unnecessary.

Just like the turkey innards.

Joyfully yours,

Joni

And Callie